Get in the water

After a bit of back forth in my own head, I changed into my swimsuit and got into a pool a few weekends ago. Problem was nobody knew how cold it was until they got in.  And it really was so cold, it felt like there had been gallons of ice dropped into it right before we got in. Each step into the pool was like a dagger of adrenaline thru my body. Do I fight this (just get in, it will be fun) or flight it (just get out and hang by the pool)? And then I said fuck it just get in go go go.  And it got me thinking...this is what the idea of dating feels like to me. A giant pool of cold ass water that I have to decide whether or not I want to get myself in to. 

I'm not wondering why I'm single. I know why. I've made it so. If you don't put yourself out there (as the kids say) then there is no way to find it. And I mostly just don't want to make the effort to get out there. But every now and then a song or a book or Twitter thread, I feel a tug from my heart. It's the rest of us that is not into it just yet. 

Love is a beautiful thing. It's connection and safety and a hug after a long day and "I love you" in the middle of the night just because. Being in love with your best friend is better than winning the lottery. Love is someone seeing you and staying for a while. Love protects your peripherals and stands by your side always and in front of you sometimes. Love restores. It doesn't fix you but stitches the pieces you can't reach on your own. Love is promises kept, respect when you're not in the room and even after it goes away. Love does not need you, it wants you. Love doesn't take, it gives. It doesn't care about making the picture pretty, it's there to just make things beautiful just because that's what love is for. Love is a thousand little moments and details and a few rom-com moments. Love is complicated and the best part of being alive. 

I always thought that Coldplay's Fix You was a really sad song. It's probably an unoriginal thought but maybe it was written from Love's perspective. 

When the tears come streaming down your face

Cause you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

What could be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

If you replace "I" with "Love"? Do you see it now?

Dam...to be loved like that.

I just have to get in the dam pool.