The Hammock

On Friday night I sat on a hammock and looked up to the dark sky. There was foliage over me but I could still see a few stars and my palms were open and facing the sky. I started to think of myself on this hammock and what it would look like from that one star I could see clearly. Would I be as small to the star the way the star seemed small to me? No matter the answer to that, my palms were open to the night sky and I closed my eyes and asked The Universe to send me wisdom and peace. And I hope it's on it's way.

I think...I think I make people uncomfortable. And most of the time I'm okay with it but every now and then it makes me sad that people don't get me. But I guess if you're going to objectify a person's negative qualities you would seem like a moody incompetent bitch.

And what's wrong with that anyway? What's wrong with being human with moods and needing space to just be in peace?

Here's the question I wish someone could answer for me: Who decided the way things "should" be? Who did that? Give me their number because they got it wrong and it's really complicating things.

The thing about me is that I don't care about what I should be doing. And I'm not consciously trying to rebel, it's just my DNA. I just don't care what I'm supposed to do. I care about living my best dam life, surrounded by great people and doing what I love. I care that there is more kindness and less violence against each other. And I'm not talking about violence in the "CSI Miami" type of way. I'm talking about the violence we do to each other when we tear each other down or treat each other like enemies instead of allies. Shouldn't we all be allies? Isn't life complicated and challenging by itself? Why do we add to it by being the way we are to each other? These are the things I care about.

And listen: I'm not perfect. I'm stubborn and I am foul mouthed and my temper sucks and can someone please tell me how to be a smidge more patient so that I don't flip out after 30 seconds of waiting in a line to pay at CVS? I like looking mean so that people stay away from me. I don't trust nice people and I laugh really hard at really fucked up jokes. Every single one of my best friends have at one point or another told me they thought I was a complete bitch for the longest time. I don't know what I'm doing but I make horrible first impressions.

But I also know that there is more to me than my negatives. I know that I'm the kind of friend that would literally die for the people I love. I'm convinced that kids should lead the adults on how to live. I think everyone should vote. I think if you love someone you have a responsibility to them to make sure they are okay and that if they're not okay that it's not because of something you're doing to them. If you want peace, go to a library and read a book. If you want an adventure, do the same or just travel more.

I believe in good sex and I believe I deserve that good sex. I want to fall in love again one day a couple of years down the road. I think husbands and wives have got to have each other's backs no matter what. That's what you do when you love someone. It's not just a promise or a ring. It's a legit decision you make in your DNA that no matter what, you've got that person's back even if it means going over a cliff for them.

I don't think most people see all of that though. They see my face and my body and they judge me for not being thinner and in heels and able to resist the urge to call bullshit when it's right there in front of me. I don't act like what a woman "should" act like.

And I get it

Because I'm completely untethered and I'd like for at least one thing to be settled. And the simplest thing would be for people to get me and not judge me for being different. I know it's ridiculous but let me dream!

My life is full seasons of extremes. I'm either fully settled and suffocating or I'm completely untethered and full of anxiety. I'm searching for balance in myself, like on the inside, so that I can manifest all the things I know are destined to be mine.

I think that our souls are made up of the same thing holding the universe together. And so why worry, right? If that kind of magic can hold universe together then I'll be okay.

A Letter to Myself on 08-08-17

Hi.

Just keep breathing. It’s true. It happened. It’s over. 

This day will be the part of your story where you come back to yourself all at once. But he is not done hurting you yet, there is more coming and it’s going to blow away the ashes of your life with him, the lie that you ever knew who you were married to, the idea that you ever had a family of your own. Some days the very best thing you will be able to do for yourself is get out of bed and that will be okay. Just keep getting out of bed. 

You’re going to dream scenarios where you ask him if he ever loved you. You’re going to tell him in your dreams how cruel it was for him to ask you to believe in happy endings, to take you out of your cozy safe reading nook into a wedding dress only to take it all back. You'll tell him in your dreams what it's done to you to love, support and believe in someone down to their bone marrow only to have them crush you with stone cold betrayal. How familiar this kind of pain is. But you won’t get answers. Your dreams will just show you where it hurts the most. Keep writing. 

You won’t have any control of what everyone knows and doesn’t know. He’s going to take that away from you, too: the dignity of privacy, the decency of respect, any honor to what you allegedly ever meant to him. Yes, you meant enough for him to ask you to be his wife but you'll mean less than nothing to him when he drags you and people you care about through the mud. It's going to take months for you to stop letting that thought run in circles in your head. It will be close to a year for you to realize that he did it all for the 'likes'. 

These next months after today are going to be blurry, you’re going to be in a haze and come up for air at concerts or at ordinary moments laughing with friends but mostly they will be blurry. You’ll fall apart and glue yourself back together a lot. Pride will be scotch tape that holds you together. 

You’ll force yourself to get drunk alone and listen to your wedding song just so you can get it out of your system. You’re going to cry so much that you’ll go thru boxes of Kleenex in one afternoon. You’re going to think you might actually break in two. But you won't. 

Your life, the one you abandoned so you could lose yourself in this one, it’s going to rush back to you as well. And not every aspect of it is going to be a happy reunion. Every holiday that is coming your way is going to burn you from the inside out. Because you’re going to be  at your family’s holiday dinner table and no one is going to come out of their own lives at that table and ask you if you’re okay, if you need anything, what happened or what he did to you. It’s going to go back exactly the way it was before.  

It's going to be impossible to explain to people what you're feeling, how deep this wound goes. There won't be enough words to explain how embarrassing it is to be in this situation, the toll it will take on your psyche to hold so many different devastating emotions inside. How you desperately want to be left alone in a dark room for years so people can forget you even exist. The social anxiety will be real and you're going to hide out. You won't be able to explain yourself but it won't matter. 

Because your tribe will witness your pain, they will hold your hand at weddings, hug you when you cry without asking questions. They'll let you come over for no reason to sit on their couch and do exactly what you would do at home except not alone.  Never alone. The laughter of your friends recording in the next room will keep the desperation of your emotions at bay. Your friends will let you scream at the top of your lungs, let you sit quietly at parties and invite you to create. They’re going to see moments when you are spiraling and go out of their way to make you laugh, to pull you back up above water. They’re going to respond to every single text you send in a matter of seconds no matter what they’re doing, get mad at you for not letting them come to your court date, remind you every second that you’re not alone and back it up by never leaving your side.  Your tribe will watch over you, protect you and you will not be alone. Having each and every one of your friends in your corner will be the sun in a very stormy grey season. 

And the tide is going to turn so just hold on until then. 

In February, you’ll pack your bags and go to Melbourne, FL and spend a couple of days with complete strangers in a town you’ve never been to. You’re going to wake up and watch the sun rise on the beach. You’re going to write until your fingers and wrists ache. It will be the very first vulnerable thing you do and it will scare you to your bones but you’ll do it anyway. Because you're going to remember that the core of you is a writer, a creative, a dreamer, an artist. It's going to make you feel your blood pump through your veins again. It's going to bring back the color in the world and into your life. Write your way out. 

You'll get back to doing whatever your heart wants to do and the freedom will make you Shaq-shimmy. You’ll join and quit Tinder and Bumble a few times. You’ll plan your trip to California with your best friends and solo weekend trips to NYC. The night of your 'Friends' themed graduation party (yes, honey) you’re going to take a second when no one realizes what you're doing and take in all the love there is in the room and your heart will want to explode with joy. All that love: just. for. you. 

You'll spend some time naked in front of a mirror and really look at yourself and dream about making out with hot men you’ve never met. You’re going to decide that the next time you get naked in front of a guy you’re going to feel intimidated by how hot the guy is and that will only make it hotter. And he will be so lucky to have you. Because you’re a good time, babe. You’ve just forgotten that you are. 

You’re going to feel a lot in the next year. But the one thing you won’t do is miss him. You’re going to miss the things that make being in a relationship great like coming home to someone after a crap day or having a date for a social event or a proper makeout sesh/roll in the sack. But none of the things that you feel will come close to missing him. You’ll laugh for thinking this was love. 

But right now, you need to get up from this cold bathroom floor. This moment right here and now is the end of a chapter of lies and psychological warfare. This was a chapter, not the whole book. So get up from this floor, wash your face and get dressed. It’s almost a reasonable time to call your best friend and tell her what’s happened. It’s a new day. It’s a beautiful day. Your life is waiting for you so get up and go get it. 

The pain is going to crush you. 

It’s not going to break you. 

And I’ll be waiting for you a year from now. 

Believer

"Consider you're own calling, brothers. Not many of you were wise by human standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. Rather, God chose the foolish of the world to shame the wise, and God chose the weak of the world to shame the strong and God chose the lowly and despised of the world, those who count for nothing, to reduce to nothing those who are something, so that no human being might boast before God. "- 1 Corinthians: 1: 26-29

I've been struggling to identify myself as a 'believer' lately. It's just not looking good for any of us right now.

What are we doing to each other?? What are we doing to each other!!

It's a personal daily struggle to balance the inundation of  information and peace of mind. I want to know what's happening in the world but what is happening in the world is crushing my faith in humanity.

You see: I'm a feminist, pro-choice, a democrat, I believe in equality no matter your gender, race, heritage and socioeconomic circumstances.  I believe you should love who you love, it doesn't bother me if we have polar opposite religious/spiritual beliefs and I don't care where you were born or where you want to go. I only care that we are humane to each other despite the labels we give ourselves and each other.

And because I believe of all these things AND God, I'm also a bad Catholic.

Frankly, going to church is just uncomfortable at this point. I'm a bad Catholic and therefore perceived to be in crisis, "in need of prayers"...all the stuff that Christians claim in your name when they should skip the pleasantries and get to "There's something wrong with who you are and what you feel". Sometimes it's more insulting to be politely insulted than just be outright insulted.

I don't think babies should be taken away from their moms, I don't think an immigrant deserves less than me. I do think that politicians use God's name as a political strategy. They don't believe what they are selling, they are just asking you to buy it. And Christians are buying it in bulk. I can't wrap my brain around that like on a cognitive level. What does it mean to be pro-life if you don't care about people's lives? What do Christian family values look like anyway because I don't see them in DC.

In a world where men claim Jesus' name when committing atrocious acts against humanity, what's worse: being Catholic/Christian or being a pagan?

Last night I watched this  documentary made by Dan Reynolds of Imagine Dragons fame. He's Mormon and believes his church could do better when it comes to advocating for LGBT community. And even though there are moments of absolute heartbreak, I finished it and thought "Wow, what a love story".  If you have time, consider giving it a shot.

He's a believer and you can tell from just watching him. Born into Mormonism, he followed all the rules until he fell in love with a non-Mormon and decided to be a musician. Already making his tribe nervous, he decided after some soul searching that he needed to speak up in his tribe about their treatment of the LGBT community within Mormonism. It's the Mormon church policy that LGBT Mormon population is not welcome in fellowship.  His mission now is the inclusion of the LGBT community in the Mormon church.   There is a statistical rise in suicide because of this church doctrine. People are dying because their tribe is speaking on behalf of God and saying "You are not welcome in God's community".

What are we doing to each other? What would Jesus say to that?

So Dan Reynolds decides to put together a music festival for the Mormon LGBT community in Utah. And you watch it come together and fall apart while he comes together and falls apart in the process. It's not just about the music festival or a personal mission to challenge the Mormon church. He's going thru a spiritual journey and he gives you permission to watch it happen. It's the most humanity I've seen on my television screen in a long time. The love you see in his eyes for his wife, his kids and his community is infatuating.

Pain...you made me a, you made me a believer, believer.....

What I learned from the documentary is that the human experience is the same but only the circumstances change. We all want to be loved, seen and accepted. And when your safe place is the first one to kick you out for being who you are, it's makes things upside down for a while. And why do we kick each other out of our safe places? How are we better off after that happens time and time again?

And why do I still believe even though I've seen what we are capable to do to each other?

To me, Jesus is this romantic notion that at least one person walked this planet and got the human thing right. It's okay to laugh at me for thinking of it because I think it's a pretty ridiculous notion myself. But the idea that ONE person got it right is a warm blanket I deserve so it stays put until further notice.

There is beauty to being aware of cosmic uncertainty. I feel like everything is brand new and I'm seeing everything for the first time. I hope that what I see this time around is more beauty, acceptance, surrender and love.

I don't know what holds this universe together. I don't even know if I have a right to know that much information. But I'd like to find out just the same.

I promised myself at the beginning of this year to hold on to the truth. And the truth at this point is that I can only control what I can personally control. Everything else is up for grabs by the universe or you or her or him or them.  What I can control is that I'm alive and I can change the world starting in my tiny little life. The rest will come when it's comes. That's good enough for this believer now.

It's all happening.

1:01am

It hurts to be disrespected. It hurts to be devalued. I wonder if there is ever going to be a time in my life where the main characters and the main plot is holding me up and not tearing me down. At work, they take turns calling me into the ring. At home, I’m a bad something every time I’m not prepared to die on a cross for the cause. 

I just want to live my life of my dreams. With money in the bank, stamps on my passport, yoga mat in the car, books everywhere, home cooked meals and John Paul White on the radio. 

50 words called the attention of the universe so I’m invoking the same alchemy that put me on the phone with my writing hero, that brought me back to my skin, I’m calling on You tonight to give me peace and rest. I’m calling on You tonight to give me strength to fight for myself, to live my life for me for once, to bless my eyes to see Mykonos, to feel my family’s hugs and love and all the other adventure of a lifetimes I’ve always wanted. Put me to sleep tonight and let me rest knowing that the whole universe exists in my veins and I am worthy & capable of living the life of my wildest dreams. 

What If...

What if this was not a sunset but a sunrise?

What if every day I endured was a testament of how much I can love?

What if everyone I was wrong about is leading to me the people I will finally be right about?

What if the pain & grief is a bridge to the life of my dreams?

What if there is nothing wrong with me?

What if I've just been confusing what has been done to me in the name of Love with Love?

What if I can still find someone to love who will walk beside me always & sometime in from of me when danger is ahead?

What if he took it all back & that was not a grave but a gift?

What if I am not without a home so I can finally build my dream home in my heart & in my dreams?

What if he was wrong?

What if they've all been wrong I'm fucking right?

What if this is was a pause before my life comes back to me one wave at a time?

What if True Love is waiting for me on the other side of this?

What if I'm the love of my own life?