Get in the water

After a bit of back forth in my own head, I changed into my swimsuit and got into a pool a few weekends ago. Problem was nobody knew how cold it was until they got in.  And it really was so cold, it felt like there had been gallons of ice dropped into it right before we got in. Each step into the pool was like a dagger of adrenaline thru my body. Do I fight this (just get in, it will be fun) or flight it (just get out and hang by the pool)? And then I said fuck it just get in go go go.  And it got me thinking...this is what the idea of dating feels like to me. A giant pool of cold ass water that I have to decide whether or not I want to get myself in to. 

I'm not wondering why I'm single. I know why. I've made it so. If you don't put yourself out there (as the kids say) then there is no way to find it. And I mostly just don't want to make the effort to get out there. But every now and then a song or a book or Twitter thread, I feel a tug from my heart. It's the rest of us that is not into it just yet. 

Love is a beautiful thing. It's connection and safety and a hug after a long day and "I love you" in the middle of the night just because. Being in love with your best friend is better than winning the lottery. Love is someone seeing you and staying for a while. Love protects your peripherals and stands by your side always and in front of you sometimes. Love restores. It doesn't fix you but stitches the pieces you can't reach on your own. Love is promises kept, respect when you're not in the room and even after it goes away. Love does not need you, it wants you. Love doesn't take, it gives. It doesn't care about making the picture pretty, it's there to just make things beautiful just because that's what love is for. Love is a thousand little moments and details and a few rom-com moments. Love is complicated and the best part of being alive. 

I always thought that Coldplay's Fix You was a really sad song. It's probably an unoriginal thought but maybe it was written from Love's perspective. 

When the tears come streaming down your face

Cause you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

What could be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

If you replace "I" with "Love"? Do you see it now?

Dam...to be loved like that.

I just have to get in the dam pool. 

Save your Self

There is SO much pain out there. Everyone is a walking/talking open wound. And we are all waiting for someone to show up for us. We self-medicate with sex, drugs, food, social media, our jobs, our fantasies, our failures, the "what ifs", our relationships and replaying the same audio track of thoughts day in and day out.

And how did we get here anyway? Who are you waiting on to save you?

You're probably waiting for your Bruce Wayne to actually be Batman or your Diana Prince to actually be Wonder Woman. I have waited for them and sometimes find myself still waiting.

But they're not coming for you. The job to save you is yours alone.

And I get it. It's easier to delegate the rescue than to do the work ourselves but the thing is we can't save each other, we can only help each other. And there is a difference. We need to be clear on that no matter who it is that needs us. Do the work so you can help others do theirs.

But oh if I could save you...

If I could save you I would take away your pain and throw it in the ocean. I would take away your sadness and guilt and that gross feeling that you feel and burn it until every bit of it was ashes. I would take it all away and find a way to let you see yourself through the eyes of the people who love you so much it hurts. I'd reach inside your heart and mind and clear it of all the lies, anxiety and depression you're telling yourself and replace it with love and peace, clarity and make you whole. If I could save you I would tell you that there will never be another you and my heart is so grateful for ever being loved by you. I would tell you how much I love you until I run out of words.

I would tell you that the time you saved me from the neighbor's dog biting me is my favorite super hero story of all time. And that even though I don't remember the other time you were my hero I know it happened because that is so you.  I would tell you that nobody has ever held me like you have. I would tell you that listening to music in your apartment is one of my favorite memories ever of being on vacation. I would tell you that your car was the greatest coolest car and your clothes were the coolest clothes ever. If I could save you I would tell you that you that I wouldn't know how much I was loved as a kid if you hadn't existed. I would tell you how it's been too long since we've seen each other and I cry just thinking about it. I am just one day, one hug, one pep talk from you away to feeling restored.

But I can't save you. I can't even help you from this side of the planet. I don't have any answers for your pain because it's yours. You have to save your self because I can't do any of the things I would do if I could save you.

But if I could be a hero just for one day...

Tired

They're looking at their watch and tapping their feet like "Come on already. Why are you not dating yet?".

Believe me it's not because I don't crave affection or connection or fun. It's not because I don't know what to do with a man. It's not because I'm a prude. My dream man loves Netflix as much as he loves to travel. Trust me I think about it and I want it and it will arrive when it does. But me chasing it? Not up for it in any way shape or form. Why?

It's simple: I'm tired.

Here's what it's been like for me these past 5 years. Ready?

Oh you're mom has cancer? Cool but it's an inoperable tumor that requires a liver transplant to which we won't do anything about until she has insurance...which will take 6 months to approve. You will be responsible for every single medical decision. Oh and the day she gets the diagnosis, it will be given by a doctor who does not speak English and you will have to translate the news to your mother.

Oh you're mom got a match for her liver transplant? Cool but you will go thru it by yourself. No one will be available to be there for you in person. You will almost drive off the highway because you fell asleep at the wheel.

Oh you're going to get married? Cool but it will end in the most humiliating way it possibly can.

Oh you're going thru a divorce? Cool but here's how much money I need to borrow and I'll get it back to you in 3 months but really it will be almost 2 years later and you'll still be waiting.

Oh you're going thru emotional trauma? Cool but I'm going to go on vacation for 3 months and you can run the house. Also the light will get cut off today so here's how much we owe. Also it's okay that you're here but do everything in your power to not be in the way or I will throw a fit.

Oh you want to finish your Bachelor's degree? Cool but you will spend the first week of the first semester back in the hospital with your mom on an antibiotic drip because of a diverticulitis flare.

Oh you have finals? Cool we're going to do the surgery to remove the diverticulitis infection by removing a foot of her colon that same week. Take your finals in your mom's hospital room. And once again, you will carry all of it alone.

Oh you're stressed and anxious because 75% of your life is up in the air? Cool, read these papers and translate them for me. Also you're *insert insults* for having a shit face the whole time. Here's how you should fix yourself...

Oh you're using your words and telling me that you don't want to put any conditions on your happiness? Cool but let me pressure you to have a kid every opportunity I get, remind you to live out your life in ways I (they) see fit for you (me) every chance I get.

And don't you dare complain or ask for boundaries. Because it will be a fight that you will be outnumbered for.

Are you exhausted yet?

So when I say I'm tired and I want to nap whenever I get a chance and turn off my phone and not talk or laugh my ass off instead of fight things that I have no control over...it's because my spirit is exhausted. I have not rested yet.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Anxiety is a motherfucker

There will be another called "Pain is a motherfucker" but that's for another day. 

I've often described anxiety attacks like swimming to the bottom of the pool while not having taken enough of a big breath before going under. And then knowing that going up means you will find more air but also not knowing how to get there.

This week I've experienced a new form of anxiety. Imagine your brain is a kitchen. Now imagine that all the cabinets, drawers, appliances…they hold your thoughts and emotions. Now imagine all the cabinets, drawers and appliances spilling out of where they are onto the kitchen. That's what this week has been like and today I broke. I could no longer work thru it or around it and maybe the migraine was just a manifestation of a need for a time out. So that's what today is.

I'll probably regret being so honest about this after I post it but I'm also a believer that it's a conversation that needs to be had. Anxiety….it's a motherfucker. And the only thing worse than internalizing the chaos of your mind's thoughts and your emotions is talking about it getting that eerily familiar look from your person with that "get over it" tone in their voice or look in their eyes.  I understand the stigma first hand.

In 6th grade, I began having my first wave of panic attacks. Except I didn't know what was happening and no one could tell me why it was happening. Which is the running theme over my general health but that's for another day, too. It would start with an itch in my throat and I would naturally try to clear it which would make the itch grow which would make me want to clear it again and this would eventually lead to hyperventilation. Twelve years old. I'm 36 now so that's 24 years of my life dealing with this particular bag of tricks.  There's no cure to anxiety, you just learn to make friends with the gremlin. 

The trap with anxiety is that when you're in the thick of it (I'm calling this week a flare up)  it's a steal cage you can't get out of. And the ground you're walking on is quick sand. But every time you sink a little bit, the cage gets a little smaller. . And you can't get out until it's done with you. 

I'm taking my meds and I'm eating the right food and I have incredible people in my life who 'get it'. I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to do to get out of from under this but it's just not working this week.  

If I could put this bag down believe me I fucking would. But it's apart of me like the way my body curves and the color of my eyes. Knowing something is off and not knowing how to get it back is just…metaphorical torture. It's exhausting and I've been on this roller coaster since Monday and I want off.  

This isn't a cry for help or attention. The love that surrounds me in the shape of my friends is more than enough to sustain me. I wanted to share because I know I am not alone. I know that this mind fuck sucks and I'm hoping that I can use this shit week to show someone anyone that they are not alone. That it happens and we will be okay. Because we've made it thru 100% of our bad days. 

Nothing is 'wrong' by the way. Everything is as it was last week as it will be next week. But I can't get fucking out and I'm exhausted and today I broke. I give. You win today, anxiety.

I've tried avoiding it but now I'm going to try sitting with it. The way I've done with all of my pain. It moves out of the way faster, I've learned. So this is what today will look like: Postmates and tissues and a dark living room with movies sometimes playing.

All of that to say this: we are not alone in this. If you're struggling this week or any week, if you can't catch your breath no matter how much you focus, if you can't sit still, haven't been able to rest, tortured by things you said or did lifetimes ago and just unable to carry on today. I'm right here with you. 

I will get thru today and so will you.

https://twloha.com/find-help/

To Whom It May Concern...

I don’t know who you are or what you are doing today. But I have been thinking of you all day. 

I might make a horrible first impression when we first meet.  I have to carry myself like a stone cold bitch because that’s the job. People don't usually check for me before being destructive. 

I hope that when we start liking each other it’s because we see each other objectively like a person we genuinely want to be around. I hope you understand why a sense of humor & fun are essential to surviving what has happened and what is to come. I hope you let me split the check but also that you hold the door for me. 

When we fall in love it should feel like gravity. I hope we understand what it truly means. We should make sure that we are taking care of ourselves and each other in a meaningful and mindful way daily. 

Let’s create stuff together. A garden, a poem, a play, a song…whatever it is let’s put our hands together and make stuff together.

I'm not perfect but I'm working on being better every day. I carry inside me the 6 year old me who used to hide in the bathroom and strategize how to fix her parent's marriage. I can tell when I’m being gaslighted the second it’s happening and it’s…triggering.   I try to heal her every day.

Please know that regardless of our chemistry, I'm not counting on forever. Betrayal will make more sense than loyalty.  I’m not scared to get hurt. It's okay if we stay together forever and just as fine if we don't. But be kind to me always, no matter what. 

Don't lie to me. I don't want to hear what you think I want to hear, I want to hear the truth.  Trust me with the things you've never said out loud. Love me like you've never loved anyone before. Be my teammate. Watch my blindside. I am not a damsel in distress waiting to be rescued but please hold me when I cry. 

And lastly, I don’t want you to need me. I want you to want me.

This is 36

I had dinner with my family on Sunday to celebrate my birthday and my little cousin rushed me when she got there and as she was hugging me she says to me: "Today is such a great day because it's your birthday celebration but also it's sad...because you're aging". She keeps me humble. 

18 years ago today I was 18. I was about to graduate from high school, accepted to FIU the Spring of 2002 and therefore had plans to spend what would've been my freshman fall college semester of school in Chile with my family. Britney hadn't dropped "Slave 4 U" yet, the JLO album had not been out not even a month & Monica and Chandler were planning their wedding. Britney & Justin were still in love and Ja Rule was on every dam radio station. And (*clutches imaginary pearls) MTV still played music videos. What a time to be alive.

I felt like I had been through a lot by 18 and to be fair I had. But looking back, I feel that line from Buffy's "Restless" episode very much applied: "You think you know what's to come, what you are.  You haven't even begun". 

The accuracy. 

I've never had patience for bullshit. It's kind of my brand (*Cher hair flip) to call it out right when I smell it. But lately, it's just been on another unapologetic level and I'm living for it. 

For example, one of my biggest pet peeves is people telling me I should smile more. This request operates from a place where I am required to make you comfortable by being pleasant which includes a smile. Let me tell you one of my favorite things about myself: I make a horrible first impression. I look mean and unapproachable and as I've heard several times "The first time I met you, I thought you were a total bitch". 

I mean thank you SO much...that's what I'm going for! It's not my job to be pleasant or charming or anything that I really don't want to be. So when you tell me to smile, it's because I'm making you uncomfortable and honey that is not my problem.  In my 20s however, I would've dedicated a huge block of time berating myself for not being more pleasant or charming or whatever the hell is demanded of women without any consent. You know riddle me this: Did women agree to be your hostesses or was it decided for us? Yeah see and I just don't care to give myself the work and even better don't care to apologize for it. Sorry not sorry. 

The other great vibe I'm feeling these days is how much I understand vulnerability. My instinct has always been to fear pain...well to be honest to fear everything (please refer to the movie Tangled for context). So I've spent a lot of time avoiding pain in any way possible. Food and relationships have always been my way out of really sitting with myself. And really avoiding anything only makes it worse and only escalates it's power. 

I've gone on the record (Wubro Episode#251)  to say that in my opinion, Bradley Cooper's A Star is Born is the perfect love story. Now wait...before you jump down my throat let me explain (spoilers ahead). It ends in a horrific tragedy, it's true. But did you see how those two loved each other? Did you see how they were literally ride or die for each other? Did you see how he saw her and asked her to just take a leap of faith in herself as an artist & it changed both of their lives forever? Did you see how she loved him? How she saw how broken he was that first night in the parking lot. They saw each other...like really saw each other into each other's souls. They knew each other's bone marrow and it changed their DNA. And all of that wasn't worth it because of the horrific pain? Would they be the same if they hadn't loved each other like that? 

Everything and I mean everything that we go through makes us who we are. Period. And the idea that we should only dive into something if and only if there is guarantee there will be no pain is ludicrous to me. Who gives a shit. If you're not in pain, then you haven't lived. And to truly live your life is to take leaps of faith in yourself and people over and over again. What do we take with ourselves when this life is over? Nothing. So live and love and get fucking hurt. It's what it means to be alive. 

I'm also at that age where people, with mostly good intentions, bring up topics to me that at this point make me mad. And not because the topics upset me but because I find myself repeating my answers over and over again but the same dam questions/topics keep coming up. I'm using my words and they're falling on deaf ears and it's infuriating. 

So let me just a sec here and make a virtual billboard of all the shit I'm done addressing, k?

1. I'm 100% happy without the prospect of a man in my life. Do I want to stay single and never fall in love again? Hell no.  I wish all the love and amazing sex to everyone on this planet. Seriously, go for it until you can't feel your bones. But as for me, I'm good for  now. And your idea of what may make me happy will not outrank what I know will make me happy. 

2. I'm going to be happy with or without children. Kids are a blessing and maybe I'll have some and maybe I won't. But here's the thing: we put conditions on our happiness and then we can't figure out why we are not happy. For better or for worse, on my death bed I want to know that I've lived a life that I wanted to live and not what I was "supposed" to do. The road will have to meet my feet and that's exactly how I want it. 

3. I'm 100% over my divorce and I'm over talking about it. I don't know who that woman was that was married to that man. She does not exist anymore and therefore we need not discuss. This one's mostly for the Medicare population that defaults to this topic when they can't think of anything else to talk to me about.

4. Yes, I do have a pretty face but I'm not less beautiful because you want me to look a certain way. Vanity has never been a motivator for me. If it was, I would've looked how I was "supposed" to look a long time ago. But my health and my wellness, that's where I live right now. I'm working on it my way and I've got an unbelievable support system rooting for me.  This is a self-love project and just sit down with your expectations. 

What I know today is this:I don't ever feel more alive than when I'm creating. There are tons of places I want to see and things I want to do. And we are all individual life forces unlike any other individual life force. No one will be like me just like no one will ever be like you. Our personal revolutions come from understanding that while our experiences aren't singular, our individual existence absolutely is. 

Right here and now, I have never ever felt more present in my body and in my life. And let me tell you how great it feels to be me today. I know it sounds like a giant order of cheese fries but it's true what they say that true happiness starts on the inside. I understand myself like no one does or probably will, I push myself to pick on my demons just for the adrenaline rush of taking their fucking power away. And every time I take one of them on & subsequently take them down, I'm Wonder Woman in No Man's Land. I've got incredible....INCREDIBLE...people in my life and therefore a very powerful circle of light and love. I'm so so sooo good. 

And this? This is 36.

Forgiveness...can you imagine?

There's a moment in Hamilton that just breaks me in two every time I stop and really listen to it. It's during "It's Quiet Uptown"  towards the end of the 2nd act and Hamilton has basically broken Eliza. He's put her thru fucking hell and they've just lost their first born son. It's that moment we can all relate to where you've figuratively just been punched three times in the heart and you're just standing there catatonic just trying to wrap your head around it. And Hamilton is reaching out begging like "Forgive me". And given the build up to where this story is at, you truly can't imagine that anyone could. And then they hit you with "Forgiveness....can you imagine?" as Eliza reaches out for Hamilton's hand.

I was lucky enough to see this live a few weeks ago and it was everything I wanted it to be more.

People are broken and complicated. This will spill over to all of your relationships to the extent you allow it to: sometimes it's good soil and sometimes it's poison to your relationship. And when relationships end it's sad and painful but it always turns out to be for the best. It's just what it is.

I'm not going to romanticize the process of forgiveness like it's a straight line full of cherry blossoms, self awareness and grace. What I know is that pain is a motherfucker but it can also be a teacher and a motivator. In a perfect world, holding a grudge would burn calories and seamlessly place everything that is out of order where it belongs. But holding a grudge is more like purposefully tying a rope around your ankles and expecting yourself to run. 

I'm convinced that after being rejected by a parent, being cheated on is probably the second most brutal form of rejection a person can experience. And if you have been ditched by a parent(s) (*raises hand) then being cheated on is probably a giant bomb that goes off right over the Pandora's box where you keep all the sour feelings of being an abandoned kid. At least that was my experience. 

Being cheated on is a rejection on a cellular level. As a lover, a friend, partner, all the promises, all the moments of bliss, the effort, the sacrifices, the mental and emotional energy....when they slide into someone else it means that not one second of any of it was worth a second thought.

My divorce was a tall order of forgiveness to someone that has taken zero inclination to even admit he did anything wrong...like ever..like since 2011.  The task here became for me to forgive him for everything (and I mean everything) he did to me that he has no remorse over....on my own. 

There were some days back when I was in the pits of the breakup where I would've preferred to have been physically beaten by him then have to recover from the emotional trauma of the entire experience of ever loving him. I'm not going to get any sort of closure, a conversation that punctuates everything. So I had to forgive someone who is a ghost for all purposes. 

Because then I could've gone to the cops and the justice of it all would've been a transaction. Physical harm gets a physical reaction from cops, doctors, lawyers, etc. You get restored to a certain extent. But forgiving emotional trauma is being bruised and battered, no one seeing how bad the injury is and getting nothing to restore you.  

Except you've got to decide to do the work. You've got to make your pain into lessons. That's where I found my power. He got to emotionally beat me to nothing and my job was to let it go to where he owes me nothing. Not for his sake but for mine. 

You know how they say feelings are like waves? Well the feeling of forgiveness towards my ex-husband have visited me on occasion but I've never felt it stay for as long as I have been feeling it lately. And the peace that comes with it...I'm living for it.

And let me be clear: The crime (if you will) of my breakup wasn't that it was over. The betrayal and lying and gaslighting and just utter disrespect to what I supposedly ever meant to him...that's where he became an asshole.

But forgiving him means I am not connected to him anymore not even by the pain. And that's really been my mission since the clock started running. I never wanted this to be my whole book, it was a chapter. In the grander scheme of things it will probably be a page or two.

So what next? Well another thing that the work of forgiveness has granted me is that
I have this relentless cloud of peace in me. I have everything I need at the moment and if I don't have it then I simply don't need it right now.

Forgiveness is a victory that is just mine. I'm not tied to the pain. I'm not dragging this bag with me anymore. And if I hadn't gotten hurt that bad, I wouldn't know what I'm made of or become who I am today. I feel awesome and energized and excited. My skin is glowing, my cheeks hurt from smiling & laughing so much and I'm ready for the next great adventure.  I'm not afraid to be hurt. I'm not tied to any of it anymore not even by the pain.

Forgiveness did that....can you imagine?