Jacksonville

I'm in Jacksonville. I came away to my first adventure alone & came to Jacksonville. Of all the lovely places the world has to offer, Jacksonville seems like a very random place to be. But I'm here for a special event. An event to meet & greet Elizabeth Gilbert. It's been almost 2 years since I got to speak to her over the phone. Two years since I changed the course of my life in 50 words or less. I'm hoping that when or if I get a chance to meet her, I have the courage to look her in the eye and just say "Hi. I'm Missy. We had a Magic Lesson once." I just want to look at her in the eye and say that & that will be enough for the trip.

When I got here yesterday, I was immediately filled with dread. I started going over all the smarter things I could've done with the money I spent on this trip. What could I be doing instead. How I could've picked a better stop on her speaking tour. I didn't do well on my Statistics final so that didn't help my mood either. I thought about whether I even deserved to be here given the fact that I probably failed this class.

And then I fell asleep and had a great night of rest. Not just sleep but rest. I closed the hotel curtains and slept until 9:30am. I have enough of the curtains open now that I can see the river. Being close to water calms me down, even from the sixth floor of a hotel in the middle of downtown Jacksonville. The tv is on but on mute. I don't know anyone in this city and haven't left my room since I got here almost 24 hours ago. And it's so quiet.

What I'm saying is that I've put myself in an uncomfortable situation. And my first instinct was to fly right back home. But given a second to adjust, I'm okay.

I'm excited to see how the event goes. I'm not scared of what might be happening back home without me because what will be will be whether I make myself sick with anxiety or I just enjoy the quiet serenity of this hotel room.

My friend recently got laid off from work so she's going to temp for a while before moving to Italy. What a great life, to be so untethered and free to pick up and go on adventure without anxiety or fear or commitments to anyone. She's moving to the other side of the planet and she's excited. I came to the other side of my home state and wanted to go home. Courage takes time. It's a muscle I haven't flexed very much in my life. But stay tuned, World.

I'm on a path since the day I wrote those 50 words to Elizabeth Gilbert. I'm coming back to myself. Who I am right here in these words is who I really am. Outside of my wild & curly hair, outside of my flaws and virtues, outside of my body, outside of what I want and what I don't have yet. These words are the truest part of me.

It's time I built a home for myself in myself.

Being scared of changing relationships is not as terrifying as it once was. Maybe it has to do with the people  in my life but I hope it's because I am so in MY body, mind and spirit that there is no other choice but for everything to change.

Being afraid is not an excuse anymore. Fear of feeling the feeling of change is no longer an excuse.

I'm 34 years old and I've been afraid for most of my life. It's true that really scary things that have happened. But this is my life. I am responsible for it. So I'm going to lay the weight of the past down on the side of the road and sprint forward.

Being so spiteful to myself for my mistakes, letting my mother's voice be the most vicious voice a mind could host. All of these things fucked me up.

That was then, this is now.

The immensity of my personal freedom comes to me in waves. And I love it.

And I will make fear a backseat passenger. And self-hatred can get out of the dam car and stand on the side of the road as I drive off.

Life doesn't have to be and/or. My life can be both. Because I said so.

I used to feel trapped because I thought that if I worked in anything but what I thought or knew to be why I'm on this Earth (teach, write, create), I was failing. If I didn't find a way to travel or go on an adventure, I was failing.

But what if doing the stuff I never thought would be part of my career plans gives me a way to do all the other stuff (travel, yoga, change the world). What if there was a path to my dream life was mine to make regardless of the circumstances in my face? The power in that thought gives me actual goosebumps. I feel like I could fight crime. But I won't. I'll just fight crimes against myself at the hands of myself.

Maybe I'm not courageous enough to live out of a suitcase and live in Italy. But I came to Jacksonville alone on an adventure to meet a stranger I know is my friend. This is the adventure of today. Italy may very well be just around the corner.

My life is not one thing or the other. My life will be both because I will build it so. I will make it so.
(04-25-17)