Several words have been given to me
but I’ve never really taken the time to find my own words given to me by me.
Negative words stay with me easier than the ones that actually matter.
Using words like ‘magic’ and ‘extraordinary’ make me feel powerful, strong and
alive. They make me feel connected to who I am at my core.
On an ordinary lazy Sunday morning last
May, I saw a post on Elizabeth Gilbert’s FB page where she announced she would
be recording a podcast over the summer leading up to her next book release,
“Big Magic”.
Elizabeth Gilbert is a world
traveler, published writer, sometimes yogi and overall extraordinary woman. Her
most popular book so far is “Eat, Pray Love” having sold millions of copies
worldwide which eventually became a major motion picture. She rocks my world
every day with her FB posts or really any time she speaks her wisdom. She’s one
of my heroes. A conversation with her would’ve been better than winning the
lottery.
This is what I wrote to her:
05-17-15
My soul burns for the extraordinary life. In my
extraordinary life I am joyful, I am an educator, a writer and a humanitarian.
I’m a master yogi and every page of my passport has a stamp. My current life is
ordinary. I work at a call center, I’m ten classes away from my English degree
w/a minor in education, yoga hurts and the last time I used my passport was 9
years ago. And my mood is basically a minefield. I need guidance building a
bridge between my ordinary life and my extraordinary life. Ps. You rock my
world!!
The words to my submission flowed
out of me like I had already known what I wanted for myself, I just hadn’t written
it down.
I have only ever had dreams. I have
only ever been a dreamer. When I wrote my entry to the Big Magic podcast, I was
putting together a plan of action to make my dreams my reality. There was a
chance Elizabeth Gilbert’s people would bring it to her attention and there
wasn’t. I didn’t really care about being on a podcast, I was really just hoping
for some words with one of my heroes.
About 2 weeks after my submission, I
got the email saying they wanted me on the podcast. To say I was ecstatic was
an understatement. Several celebratory dances were had. I couldn’t wait to hear
her voice, wisdom and words just for me.
Of course there are words that take
the color out of life. Medical diagnoses are these kinds of words. They are
clinical, cold & grey. The worst and
scariest of these kinds of words is: Cancer. Cancer is the unstoppable force
coming for the immovable priceless object.
The day after I found out that I
would be on the Big Magic podcast, I went with my mom to the doctor. It was an
unusual day of our mother/daughter relationship because there was nothing to
fight about so our mood was light and fun. When we got called into the exam
room, the doctor followed us in and introduced himself. After some small talk,
he began shooting rapid-fire information. This is what I heard:
“Your mother’s latest CT scan…we
found a tumor in her liver, measures about 2.5 cm. insurance? Get insurance, as
soon as possible we won’t help her unless she has insurance, Liver transplant. Best
treatment: liver transplant as soon as possible but that requires insurance, needs
to find some as soon as possible”.
The air left the room and my body
just like that. “Que dice?”/ “What is he saying?” my mother asked. I heard her voice a thousand miles away. I
wanted the earth to swallow me so I wouldn’t have to be the one to do this. My
body and soul left me but I could still feel the tears, rage and devastation
boiling from the bottom of my stomach. I thought to myself “Not now.” I took a
deep breath, swallowed big while I turned myself to the right to face my mom
and look her in her eyes to translate every devastating word. My tone was even,
controlled and optimistic. As I spoke, her eyes emptied and the oxygen left her
body as well. When I was done, she took a deep breath, swallowed big and said,
“Okay”.
I don’t remember much from my drive
home, as I had to make it 16 miles from Miami to Miramar in rush hour traffic while
fighting the emotional bomb that was trying to go off. The moment I turned the
key into my apartment, it began to come out of me. Hyperventilating
turned into screams that burned my vocal chords muffled by hands. That turned
into sobs that came from the deepest part of my soul. They traveled from my stomach, up my chest, scorched
my throat before I could release them out of me. It burned from the inside out
to be in that much pain. “Not like this” is all I kept thinking. “Please, God.
Not like this. Please don’t take her from me like this”. My husband did his
best to comfort me. But it’s hard to hear anyone when I know it’s the end of
the world.
My mother is where I come from: my
bloodline, the little lady with a giant warrior heart? I was made from her. But
the treatment plan that could save her life were just words on a paper unless
someone could get reimbursed for saving her life. In my rage and heartbreak, I
concluded that nothing and everything matters. And all we really have to our names is who
are. The rest is circumstantial.
A week after my mother’s diagnosis,
I had the first of two conversations for the Big Magic podcast with Elizabeth
Gilbert. Speaking to Liz about my art and exchanging big magic words with one
of my heroes didn’t just change my artistic life, it sustained me during an
impossible season of uncertainty & waiting. It brought me back to life.
People are made up of words. Our
identities, our emotions are a collection of words formulated in what it means
to be alive and human. The words that you give yourself are how you
love yourself. The actions that follow these words are how we let the world
know we were here. There are some words I have given myself, but most have been
given to me to carry. Putting my life intentions
into words was the first step to a self-portrait created by me for me. The
whole experience made me hold on to the good, powerful words like my life
depends on it because it does.
Elizabeth Gilbert’s books are a
spiritual exchange with a best friend that I’ve never met. And our beautiful exchange
of words in real life surpassed any and all expectations I could’ve dreamed of.
My big magic experience gave me the words to start to live authentically in an
identity that has eluded me since childhood. They brought color & magic and
the possibility of the extraordinary to my life. Because
of our words, I am now a dreamer AND a writer.
