Tinder

My friends want me to join Tinder. It gives me a stomach-ache just thinking about downloading the app. I feel like Tinder is a magnet for crazy. And I’m still recovering from a very quick brutal public break-up/divorce.

“Do it for the stories” they tell me. Fuck you, I say to them, I’m a writer. I can write you a story.

My friend let me drive her Tinder account last night.  Apparently “driving” someone’s Tinder means you’re using their profile to swipe yes or no. Or is it right or left? I don’t know. But she let me drive her Tinder just so I see how it works. I know you’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover but I saw some weird dudes.  One guy was doing an arm curl at the gym. Pass. Another dude looked like he was looking for a beard. Pass. Another dude had on very expensive sunglasses and giving the peace sign which was an obvious way to show off his very shiny large watch. Pass. Another dude took a picture with his mom. Nope. I gave her back her phone in under 5 minutes.

She didn’t find her Australian boyfriend on Tinder. She went on vacation to Thailand and met him there and they started long-distance dating a couple of months after she got back from Thailand. Now she’s moving to Australia because she found love in Thailand. She was on Tinder for a total of 3 months before she deleted it for her current boyfriend. This is a real story. This is the kind of love story I hope is in my future.

“So if you didn’t fall in love on Tinder then why do you want me to try it?” Just for practice she says.

Practice for what? I don’t want to date anyone, I don’t want to fall in love. I’m pretty bruised and battered from this very long and exhausting relationship.  That JUST ended, 8 weeks ago. And legally ended a little over 24 hours ago.

And now I’m supposed to jump on Tinder for practice. To practice what exactly? Dating? Where I get to roll the dice on a stranger who may or may not be a total waste of my time? Been there, done that.  I practiced away 6 years of my life.

“I’d rather put some stamps in my passport first”, I said to her.

“Yeah but what about putting some stamps in your sex passport”, she said.

That got me thinking for a minute.

But then I thought about all the things I have mapped out for myself for the next year. About finally graduating college, traveling to Chile to see my family and then traveling to New York for 10 days for a Book/Writing Convention. Maybe I’ll trade in my car for a shiny Camaro. And hopefully wrapping up the year in Scotland where my cousin is in school for his PhD. Scotland... Scottish men….that might be fun. Hot Scottish men…a bucket list level roll in the sack.  That could be fun. Definitely more fun than practicing anything on Tinder.